I think it's time to face reality. In about 3 years I will be turning an adult. In a month I'll be starting highschool (I already know my classes are shit because grade 9 world history will give you packets like never before). I just found out that for grade 9 world history BEFORE school even starts we have to do a summer reading and analysis of the book and clearly I found that out too late. Not to mention I also need to be getting a job soon and as some may know I am experiencing the worst gender dysphoria life has ever given. I'm also nerfed with some of the worst things ever = Being short as hell. I feel so demotivated and so tired to do anything even though i was so excited for it not even more than 4 months ago. I feel really bad about not wanting to hang out with anybody and I regret saying no to things right after.

I have also lost interest completely. for anything actually. For my own interests i've lost passion. I don't feel like drawing and whenever i DO try to draw it kinda sucks. I don't even feel like playing the games I like to play and I've only been playing roblox. That's the only game i've been playing.. What makes this worse is i'm a very indecisive person or I'm someone who just goes with the flow AKA a pushover? So i just lose appetite or I forget to eat or I forget to drink water. (I don't know how this correlates but in some way it does, trust me). When someone asks me what i want to eat I genuinely don't know. I don't know what to tell you. I can say no to things I definitely don't want to eat but I can't come up with a clear answer of what I want. Anyway yeah. Could it be any worse.

I know this is what they tell you in health class that its "teen angst" and i'll probably grow out of this phase soon but i didn't know it would hit me so hard that i'm basically knee deep in quicksand. I'm waiting for the helicopter to arrive and come save me out of this mess. I mean I know If i don't make an effort to get myself out then I'm never getting out at all but it's giving me minecraft potion effects. I'm so close to seeing heaven

So after my recent trip to Vietnam i've found out about a few things. Firstly I'm basically ethnically Chinese. I mean I knew that as an asian you have got to have atleast 1% of chinese in you.. But i didn't know i was basically more than 25%. To elaborate, im half Ngai which means I originate from the Hakka of southern China, and the other half im Hoa which is basically just a person in Vietnam with Han Chinese ancestry. Which means I'm basically a very tiny minority in the world. This is super cool though because only around 2,000 people in the world are Ngai, Though I assume it's due to just people writing on their documents they are Vietnamese. I mean, I also identify as a Vietnamese because i've been identifying as one since the day I was born, and my parents also see themselves as Vietnamese too, and my bloodline has been in Vietnam for centuries. Cool right?

I also need this time to write about my Slushynoobz obsession. It has gotten to a point where I've downloaded their videos and watched them on the plane and I've drawn fanart of Hamzah. Life is actually amazing. Call me a newgen for not knowing them like 3 months earlier. I actually can't go a day without ONCE thinking of slushy noobz. Every day i want to watch slushy noobz and i sometimes rush daily activities just to watch slushy noobz. They motivate me in my life i love slushy noobz

Pretty much the title. Also peep how long I haven't made a blog entry because I'm in Vietnam for a month and I don't have a computer. Matter of fact, I'm writing this on my phone and IDK if this is gonna savee but whatever. Anyway yeah. The title.

So ever since the world cup started this year I keep getting Lucas bergvall edits on my fyp. like he's a pretty attractive man but I didn't really notice him until after. And wow he is just majestic. I'm not interested in football so just call me a #larp but he is genuinely drawn by the hands of an artist.... Actually this isn't the first time I started thirsting over some white guy it was actually Joe sizl a month or two ago when I kept watching Family Friendly omegle videos. Ok. But yeah ever since then I've seen people like Cody rhodes The wwe wrestler and embarrassing to admit Cooper hayes the gay porn actor and I've never yearned more than ever to be just some Gay white guy (Funny enough because only one person here i mentioned is actually gay?) Idk I feel kinda dysphoric but I feel comfortable right now and I need a job so who cares right now

Unironically i think gay porn and yaoi started this. I didn't even know men could be portrayed like this until now. And ignore how i sound really creepy and fetishistic like a stupid girl but yeah this feeling is different. I think reading yaoi is what made me think I want to be one of those cute yaoi boys after all.... Actually i've admitted this feeling to some but you know what this makes me sound like? A fat fucking chud who comments "computa" or "im starting a rumor" on a tiktok of just two guys hanging out. I have to admit it let out a bit of laughter and a bit of exhalation(If this is a word) from my nose ths first few times but now it's just not funny anymore. Ja.

Actually, i'm perfectly OK with being a girl... but if there was a button to make me a guy I'd just immediately press it. I would be way more comfortable just saying. Like idk what about it would make my life better but it just would. Idk. I wanna look like a guy. Idk. Idk idk idk. I mean I've seen some absolutely godsent masc lesbians and even that makes me jealous. Maybe I just wanna present masc. But the thing is I want that deep voice and a dih. I mean this in the best way possible. And it's not the same i just wanna be a guy. Oof. A visible adams apple would heal me i think. My height getting incredibly taller would heal me. Deep voice. I'm healed. Sharp jawline would heal me i think. I mean these are all traits women can have too but... You know what I'm going to say now that I've said this enough

Is anyone elses memory getting noticeably worse?? Like i look at something and i keep in mind to send a message related to the gc or search it up but when i go to do the task i just forget?? I forget even the first word?? It's there in spirit but I forgot the whole concept itself I actually have to scroll back up a few tiktoks to remember. This makes me think rhat when I get older I'm going to have some type of dementia so right now I'm focusing on writing faster so I can take notes like that one Japanese lady. And apparently I feel like I'm being disrespectful so I have to plea that I am not trying to be disrespectful. Okay. Goodbye for now

Happy independence day. Is there also someone. No matter where you go there's always someone that is just so intolerant of you for no reason. like you're being fun and stuff but they're like "oh" WHAT DID I DO??? I don't know. Or is anybody else just anxious about this. Idk. I'm just anxious because I feel like it's always happening and it's getting really obvious.

Even then I feel like whenever I talk a lot just nobody cares at all lol.Which is a fact but like knowing that just makes me discouraged Lol. I'm kind of on edge here This is kinda whats driving me into a depressive slump the only thing keeping me alive right now is my future and my phone. And maybe my friend group I don't really know.

Does anyone else know that one person that always agrees with another and can't form opinions for themselves? Like it's once they say something they remove all of their consciousness and say "oh yeah" which kind of irritates me. But then again I am too afraid to say my own opinion. But then again atleast I'm not changing my opinion for anyone else.
Does anyone else ALSO know that one person that is just so extremely blunt to you? Like it hurts a lot. And i mean props to them they don't need to sugarcoat everything, but that also means they're just. Mean sometimes lol. People may say that theyre being genuine and its a green flag but I feel like if you're going to say something that hurts just don't say it at all hehe. Also kind of related to my first paragraph but honestly who gaf Urrrghhhhhhhhhhh This is my blog. But also I feel like I'm going against my conscience because i do joke like 90% of the time so Idk if i hurt someone with my jokes. And i'm scared of confrontation Lol after someone confronts me and theyre okay and we're okay? I Am Not Ok. Oof it just hurts and i feel like im walking on eggshells 100% of the time when i talk to them

I'm not really good at anything. I'm a jack of all trades but a master of none. I have hobbies and sure I'm pretty at art and stuff. Graphic design.. I'm decent at coding but i'm not insanely good enough that anyone would be interested. Plus it's not gonna be really useful in the future anyway. I'm going on a tangent and maybe I'm going through some plotholes that don't make sense and repeating sentences but hope it works out.

My First Entry and Its Miserable. I'll also make this pretty later yeah I copied my about me code. I just wanted to finish all the pages. Now that school is over I genuinely feel so depressed. I mean there's nothing really to do. I wanted to plan a hangout with my friends but now that the time has come I don't feel in the mood. I'm not in the mood to do ANYTHING. And I really want to go out and do something but oof. I really hate people who don't make an effort to better themselves but now I'M the "people." Do I just hate myself? Yes. I just sound like a chud who refuses to help himself despite countless times of complaining. School actually made me day pass with a purpose and I went to the mall today but it was lowkey boring so I don't really know. What's funny is that I fucking hated school and I speedran my essays the day before they were due and now I find myself wanting to go back.

Anyway I wish I had read all the chapters of Witch Hat Atelier like 2 years ago so I could've considered myself an OG right now. i only read a few chapters before so Oof. Goodbye.